pensées et sentiments

A great time spent communicating with myself yesterday. Cried the whole night until my eyes are all puffed up, didn't really sleep much. I agree that I am depressed. For some reasons, tears just flow without stopping. I wonder why am I so emotional lately, probably due to the stress at work and at home. Sometimes I just feel that the world is closing up on me, and that it's so difficult to breathe. Well at least I released some of the tension yesterday crying to sleep at night. It was a slient cry and I didn't want my parents to know what is going on at work although I shared a bit yesterday, but mom was apparently just mocking at me for being stupid at work and so naive to take instructions. "Need to filter, not everything said must believe," that's what comes out from her mouth. I just shelf that comment in the "drawer" again, filtering it off and not listening to it. I want her to know what is going on, but sometimes it's really not that I don't wanna share with her, but it's because, she just mocks and jokes a whole lot of it. That's why when I share, I don't share much and tell it as my friend's situation, instead of mine. I know she means no harm but these days, she doesn't encourage me at all. I don't have support from family in any other way, emotionally, they are always absent. They mock and they compare, that's why I don't feel secure as a person at times. Home to me most days is just to rest after work and nothing else. At most we watch tv together and most of the time we don't even talk much. I know I'm not their "dream" child that is intelligent, earns lots of money and owns a degree in education, but don't compare me inorder for me to improve myself. Comparing only makes me want to give up more. I am always never good enough in your eyes and that comparison is inevitable. I don't care how much other children in your friend's family or my cousin earn. They are they and I am who I am. I hate it when they compare, it just discounts me, shames me, discourages me, insecure me, and most of all ridicule/insult me. I don't want to give up on this family and neither will I want to hate them. This is my life and I want to make the best out of it, no matter what happens. Although it's hard to place my heart into a relationship and put trust in it, I will still do my best to be real to everyone, to be vulnerable to friends and family members, despite the wanting to protect myself at times. It's difficult to trust when most of the time you are hurt. I am trying to change and do give me some time. Most of the time, it's not that I don't wanna share to people who are concern about me, just that it's sometimes difficult to share to people who do not or have not gone through this phase of life or that sharing is difficult for me when I don't know if I can fully trust a person with everything. That's why I don't have many close friends. I know that you are somehow older and have more experience in life, but just that I want to be alone sometimes. Figure out what I wanna say and what to do. Talking to people I feel might not solve the problem but at least they are there for you. I feel less tired today and finally I've finished my closing and surprisingly that psst today isn't that emotionally tempermental today. Maybe I'm already prepared to face shit today that's why I'm more or less prepared in my heart that whatever scoldings or harsh words that she says, I will not take into considerations. Thank God that everything is smooth going today, well at least I really hope that things at home would really settle down and not be so chaotic. I love my family but sometimes just feel that things would be a lot better if they just don't find things to quarrel about. I feel stressful at work and all I want to do is go home to a peaceful one, not one that is all about complains and complains. Dad is searching for a job but with his age and mindset, I really hope that he finds one that is less taxing on him physically. Mom suggested that he goes back to driving a cab, but rental is expensive and maybe the whole family just got to scrimp and save a little, spent a lot lesser and everything that is not necessary got to be postpone to other times. That will mean going for trips, shopping for clothes, eating at restuarants/KTV or other fun felt activities. Guess the whole family got to bite through this tough times. That's what family is for right? We bite through the tough situations and times. Staying together is the most important thing! :) Just got to work here for another year, job searching is for the future I guess. Need to support my family the best that I can for now. I don't know how...just got to bite the bullet and grow from it! :) It's just mama and me now supporting the family and hope those relatives don't come and borrow money from us. Hope those "leeches" better don't come near and suck those $$ out of us when we are in this situation. Forgive me when I refer my relatives to these "leeches" coz they really "suck" us dry if there is a chance for them to do so. I know, I know, they are still family...

No matter what my parents/family are or what they have said to me, I will still love them for who they are.... I am trying my best to live this life, and I need a whole lot of encouragements.