pensées et sentiments

These weeks, I am so. I can say that my life right now is like a sad soap opera. Dad lost his job again due to his conflicts with the boss. He quit again thinking that my uncle will recommend him a job. Now mom is depressed and keeps nagging because of finances. Dad avoids mom as much as possible sometimes fearing that he will get nagged at. I too, don't feel like going home sometimes. The whole family seems to have conflicts too. Uncle is too traditional in mindset and wants my auntie to write him a proper invitation card for cousin's wedding, if not he wouldn't want to turn up for the wedding. Both ended up quarrelling like mad. Yeap, I agree that some of my older folks in the family are damn childish and really dramatic at times, but what to do, I myself value family a lot and these happen to affect me sometimes. I keep to myself most of the stuffs and sometimes just want to ask them to shut up and get on with life man. So childish!!!! Grow up lah!!! Stop quarrelling over little issues and stop finding things to quarrel lah. Can't this family be more peaceful at least. Some of my aunties and uncles, because of their noseyness also try to make the situation worse. Since my dad is the eldest son of the whole family, he naturally stepped to dissolve the quarrel between his siblings. Whole family all they know is quarrel. Sometimes I really envy those that don't and live happily together. It's sad that we try not to see each other as much as possible and only gather when chinese new year is around. They only come when they need $$ and I really hate it. My dad despite having so little will try his best to squeeze those $$ and give to them, even when he himself doesn't have enough. Hello! My family is not an ATM you know. Take $$ and then don't return. I've come to the point that I don't know how to cry infront of people or infront of God ler. Work is depressing too coz boss keep saying one thing and doing another, until the point where I don't know to do or not to do. Do also get scolding, don't do also results the same. It's like I am the one that is getting all the scolding because I followed his instructions and he forgotten all about those instructions. Someone too has been backstabbing as usual and the tension of the pressure at work is getting stronger. Sometimes I feel so stupid coz of the words that people say, it's so demoralising at work. Now like everyone in the office thinks that I'm stupid and that I cannot perform any task. They don't talk to me or ask me anything. Even when it's something within my job scope...they rather ask someone else. So often i feel that many things I am so unequipped and I often get scoldings because of my forgetfulness or that I don't know what to do or do the wrong things for that task. These days coming to work is like a chore and I have no passion for my work or whatsoever. I come to work each day and then knock off at 5.30 pm, just merely do work and then go off. I don't talk to people here or anything, keep my mouth shut as much as possible. I can't leave without a job or go for an interview coz my leave balance is minimum and that the family needs financial support. Sometimes I agree that I want to run away from life itself but I know that it is not the way. haha... I have seemed to put on a strong front among you all these days but I think I cannot take the pressure any longer. So so so tired ler... and I have lost sleep lately thinking about all the problems. It's scary to know how weak and vunerable I am lately. I've been crying on the inside and praying lately but don't seem to have that breakthrough. I told God that I am so tired with all these rubbish, really very very tired.