pensées et sentiments

When I was young, I had 2 extreme dreams. One is to grow up to be a designer and the other is to be a writer, but as times goes by, these 2 dreams seem to have faded away due to circumstances or rather the wrong decisions that I've made. Thinking about life, I've always wanted to do something majestic, wanted to be someone important in the society, but these days I've felt so small on the inside. Thoughts of being never good enough constantly ride on me. Sometimes I just don't want these thoughts to pounce on me. It does feel scarely when I feel so helpless. I feel as though I was sinking deeper and deeper into something that was never meant to be there. Am I never good enough in the things that I do? Why do I constantly compare myself with others? Is my mind ever so negative in thoughts? Helplessness does constantly sink in, even though I keep reminding and feeding myself with happy and positive thoughts. It gets worse when people reprimand or criticise me. Family pressure is one that overwhelms me too. Mom keeps pressuring me to earn and save more money, but she doesn't see that it's so difficult when cost are rising and my pay is so miserable. There seems to be endless bills or things to pay for. I want to be able to do the things that I want and yet earn $$. Singapore is such a competitive place that if you don't strive or put in effort, you will be butted off without a reason. I've been wanting to study and enhance my educational background but $$ is a factor. $$ is never enough when you have mouths to feed at home and bills to pay. Am I working because of $$ or letting $$ work for me? Life is so difficult when the fact that I don't have much $$ or savings at the end of the month. It's so difficult to scrooge and pardon me for being that scrooge sometimes because I really need that $$. My parents are getting old and I really need to save up for rainy days sometimes. Here I am trying my very best to save but my parents don't see that I am doing any progress in saving. Criticism does sink in when $$ is an issue. They keep saying that I am a good-for-nothing bum at home and that how come I don't even contribute much to the family expenses. It's saddening in my heart when I hear all these. Sometimes I feel that I want to just run off to some other countries, get a job there and settle somewhere that no one knows me. As much as I know that it's an immature feeling but I feel so pressured in my own life. As pressure sinks in, it's often difficult to breathe.